The
Inner
Realm
Written
2007
I toss and turn in my bed. Once again another headache keeping me awake. Pills, what’s the use they do nothing. I sigh a deep sigh trying to find a semi-comfortable position. Will I ever sleep? I glance up at the moon just outside my bedroom window hidden amongst the tree branches. Still the same beautiful soft glow that I look upon ever night.
My breathing seems more slowly now as I’m fixed on the moon and all that it seems to give to me, peace and a wandering of what I don’t know yet wish to know. My eyes start feeling heavy, yet a nice heaviness non-the less. “Such a moon,” I think to myself as I drift off.
A nice warm breeze blows tonight. The forest lit by such a bright soft moon and I stand once again by the water as if I need to be there, waiting for something. I feel warm inside yet a cold dew is at my feet. I turn as if someone or something comes in the dark of night. Yet I see nothing.
A fog starts to roll in and I pull my shawl tightly around me. Not because I am cold but because the fact of it being around me makes me forget I’m alone.
I hear a whisper in the air. Yet when I look around once more nothing is there. Strange feeling. This place seems so familiar to me. I’ve been here before, but I have not. I know not of such a place.
I stand looking up at the moon it seems to be brighter now; growing brighter I can’t look at it any more. I wake with the sunlight shining in through my window. The warmth brushes against my face. I sit up.
I had hoped my headache would be gone. I feel hope at this moment is lost forever. I try to ignore the endless pain that haunts me and go about my day as I normally would.
For a brief moment at lunchtime I sit underneath a shaded tree trying to catch a moment of silence on the air. Birds in the tree above sing and dance amongst the branches and it amuses me for a moment but the sun peeks out from behind a cloud and it catches me in the eye. I turn away quickly from the pain.
I pack up my belongings and hasten myself to finish up the day quickly so that I might leave work on time and settle in for a relaxing night.
As I head for my car I fumble about with my things. Stressed as far as I can be stressed today. I long to escape the noise of that which is around me and find a moments peace. I’m determined to will this migraine away if I must.
I unlock the door; place my belongings on the table to the left shutting the door behind me. As I walk through the house I hang my keys, grab a quick drink and head upstairs. I go into my bedroom pull off my shoes, find my silk shirt and shorts for the night and turn on some soft music.
I take my hair down, as the long curls pulled up off my neck are such a heavy weight now. Releasing it is like watch a bird fly free and for a brief moment I feel some relief.
I start the water in the tub, add some lavender and rose petals. The smell starts to slowly fill the air. I place my drink down on a small table in the bathroom, I then light three candles, one slighter taller than the other two.
I undress letting my clothes fall where they may and slip into the tub laying my head back and closing my eyes.
The soft music soothes my breathing, the fresh scent of lavender and roses slowly start to ease my tension. “Circle round and about. From inside to out. From outside to in. Release the negativity from within.”
“Circle round and about. From inside to out. From outside to in. Let the purifying begin.” A casting I have done many of times to help ease my migraine and seem to work the best in times when I truly need it.
Minutes went by, half an hour, then hour. I climb out of the tub, pulling the plug. I reach for my towel and slowly pat myself dry. Slipping into my silk pj’s, I grab up my clothes putting them in the hamper. I lean over and blow out the candles and pick up my glass and head down stairs. The soft music lingers behind me.
As I pass by the dinning room I listen to the messages on the machine. Nothing of importance. I place my glass in the sink. Pull a frozen meal from the freezer and decide this will have to do for tonight. I unwrap the meal as I think what a warm creaming chicken and mash potato meal will do for me tonight.
I put the meal in the microwave set the timer and head through the house looking directly at the couch. I lay down pulling a light blanket over me.
I was out cold the minute my head hit the pillow.
As I looked about I could see the baker putting fresh bread out. Wooden shelters opening up in the small market place. People greeting one another as the day had just begun.
THere was a slight breeze in the air and the sun was shining brightly amongst the trees. As I walked into the market place children run about playing. Two rushed by me almost knocking into me. A woman apologizes quickly and calls out to the children rushing after them.
Strange they were all dressed so different than what I’m use to. I looked upon myself and realized I wasn’t dressed as I am use too. But yet it all seems so natural.
What was this place? Who were these people? They all seemed to look upon me as if they knew me but I had no idea who they were or where I was. I was not afraid. I seemed to be looking for something but I had not a single clue to what it was.
A little girl walked up to me as I was looking about. Her tiny hand grabbed at my shirt and pulled, grabbing my attention I looked down at her and all her pretty curls with her hair pulled back in a ribbon. She handed me some flowers and quickly ran back over to her mother hiding behind her, but yet peeking out to the side to still see me.
I walked over and bent down to talk with her. She was quite shy so I said thank you for my pretty flowers and patted her on the shoulder. The mother was smiling very pleased at what had occurred. I smiled back and said,” You have a beautiful daughter.” I then turned to find the pathway I was looking at before the young child caught my attention.
As I headed down the pathway which led into the forest. The marketplace grew quieter and quieter. Now out of sight I had hoped I wouldn’t get lost.
Though the forest had plenty of light shining on the pathway I still wasn’t sure where I was going and I had been walking for some time now.
I felt a strange feeling come over me. I was happy to be here. And now grew anxious about where I was heading. I was suddenly awakened by a beeping noise. The microwave had gone off, meaning my dinner was done.
The night had come so quickly I put on a few lights in the house as I went to get my dinner. I came back into the living room turning on the TV. Trying to find something to watch while eating. As I switched through the channels I came across the movie,” Rose Red “. I quickly turned the channel.
Not that I don’t like the movie but, a bit to scary for me to be watching tonight as a storm was passing over tonight and the rain was already hitting on the roof top.
As I ate I found a comedy show to relax with tonight. I could feel my migraine now turning into a dull ache, which was a sign that it would soon pass. That’s not to say within the hour but it could or a day or two but none the less a sign I was happy to get.
The next day I woke feeling quite well. The migraine had not gone fully away but it was a feeling I could now work with. As I went about my day at work I found myself thinking about the strange dream I had had. The one with the market place.
I Spent a lot of the day wondering just where it was I was going in the dream. It felt like I knew yet I have no idea. That seemed to bother me. Why did the microwave have to beep just at that moment? Non-the less I’ll probably never know.
After work I was to meet up with my friend Sara. Sara and I have been friends since grade school and each week we get together to talk about our mundane lives and all that could possibly have happened since we last talked.
We decided to meet at Mahoney’s Restaurant as we always have. We’ve become quite the regulars there. Our waiter, Nicholas asked as he always done if there was anything big on the topic tonight. I laughed, which meant nothing of interest tonight and ordered my drink. He wouldn’t be interested in flower colors.
Some time went by and Nicholas came back to take my order as Sara had a habit of running late these days. She was getting married and putting in some extra hours on a story she was working on part of a deal to get her honeymoon time away.
An hour passed. My dinner had already been served and Nicholas had filled my drink for the third time. He asked what was up which was the very question I was beginning to ask.
It wasn’t like Sara not to call. A quick, I’m running late be there soon message wasn’t on my cell phone this time. Late for Sara was anywhere from ten minutes to thirty minutes but an hour, not like her at all.
I Tried to tell myself that her boss must have kept her longer than usual and that I’d have my dinner and order desert while Sara ate. But as I was finishing up my dinner there had still been no call. I tried to reach her on her cell phone when a voice on the other end I didn’t recognize replied,” I’m sorry to tell you this miss but your friend has been in an accident.”
I could feel my heart beat pounding, time seemed to go so slowly, I was scared and yet knew all at the same time. ” Yes, yes I know where it is I’ll be there in a moment.” As I hung up the phone I sat looking at the space across the table from me.
Sara sitting there laughing, eating, drinking. Telling me,” I must find someone for you. The perfect man is out there somewhere.” She felt she was abandoning me in someway. Getting married wanting to start a family. I wasn’t looking, my last experience didn’t go over very well and I had given up all together on the idea.
Of course it was in the back of my mind, but at this moment it was front and center right there in that seat,” I’ll find you the perfect man.”
For the moment time stopped and I pushed my thoughts away. I had hoped that she would walk through the door with some silly excuse as to why she was late but it wasn’t going to happen this time. It wasn’t going to happen ever again.
My eyes filled like a dam breaking and I forced them to hold it all in. I took a deep breath as Nicholas neared the table asking, “Well what did she have to say for herself this time?” I looked up at Nicholas and really didn’t know what to say. It just blurted out of me as if I didn’t say it at all. “Nothing, she’s dead.”
Did I really say what I just heard myself say? How could I have, how dare I. Nicholas looked at me knowing full well I was in shock myself. He tried to comfort me and I brushed him a side like it couldn’t possibly be and I had to go straighten out this mix-up. It had to be someone else.
I stood up from the table telling him, I’d take care of it and I’d see him next week and we’d laugh about this whole stupid mix-up. Nicholas took my arm and told me he’d come with me. I said,” No! I’m fine. It’s fine. I’ll take care of it.”
I went rushing out of the restaurant like it was on fire and I couldn’t get out fast enough. I pushed open the doors to the outside as if I couldn’t breathe. As if the air was so heavy inside that I had to take a deep breath as if I was gasping for my last breath.
I’ve been going around for weeks just going threw the motions. People call, stop by, everyone wanting to help but I seem to be just going through my days in a fog. A fog I can’t seem to find my way out of or was it I didn’t want to find my way out of. If I did it would mean Sara would be gone now forever.
I’ve been out of work, forced more like it. My boss said I was no good to him like this to take a vacation, get away, clear my head. This wasn’t the time I needed to get away. This was the time I needed to focus. Work longer, but instead I sleeping in late, not returning calls, not even calls from Nicholas. Sara invited him to the wedding. He might have been our waiter but over the years we’ve all become good friends.
As I rolled over in bed covering my head with my pillow trying to hide from the bright light shining in from my bedroom window. I could hear footsteps coming up the stairway, moving down the hallway to my room and soon at my door.
Nicholas had taken it upon himself to bring me tea and check in on me from time to time. He didn’t like that I was sleeping my days away and staying out all hours of the night. Granted I was being a bit relaxed in my ways but I didn’t want people telling me, “It will get easy as time places” or “hang in there”.
I found not confronting it so much easy then the latter. And here Nicholas was once again being a true friend bringing me tea, “Go away!” and really putting in his best effort to fill the void.
After talking threw the door for a half hour Nicholas gave up today’s quest to lift my spirits
and left the tea out side the door. I stumbled out of bed after hearing him leave and opened the door to grab the tea.
Instead I was grabbed. Nicholas was waiting silently outside my door waiting for me. He lifted me up in his arms, carried me into the shower and turned it on. Soaking my clothes, him and me. He was ranting something about returning to the world of the living while I was ranting at what a fool he was to do such a thing. And we both burst out laughing at how silly we looked once we finally climbed out of the shower and grabbed some towels.
We sat on the floor across one another laughing at just the pure silliness of the whole thing.
Moments later the laughter stopped and we sat just looking at each other all wet and the bathroom a mess.
He finished drying himself as well as he could, soaked as well as me and said, “Now that you’re up how about some lunch?”
Nicholas headed home to change, as I got ready for our luncheon. I opened my bedroom window to let the breeze come in and the birds were out on the trees chirping and chancing each other.
Today seemed different. I didn’t mind that Nicholas had been such a pest and soaked my bathroom for that matter. He looked so funny all wet. Hair a mess, his long sleeved button front shirt showed his well-hidden muscles and the tank top that he wore underneath. He wasn’t bad to look at but he hid it so well with his well manors and intellectual conversations.
One would never know that he worked out a great deal as he always kept his tanned, fit body well hidden under all those clothes.
Nicholas started working right after high school. He was working his way through college. Nicholas spent 6 years on his studies and he wouldn’t be a waiter much longer. Why was all this going through my head? I picked up my purse and headed down stairs. My mind didn’t seem to want the thought to end.
What was Nicholas going to do? Would he move away if a job offer came up? He enjoys traveling. He’s always come back with some fascinating stories for Sara and myself from one of his spur of the moment trips to England, France even Canada. In fact he mentioned he was going to Egypt in a few months.
“Lost in thought?”, he said as he came in the door. I of course made up an excuse. ” I can’t find my keys.” Nicholas grinned then pointed to the key rack on the wall. I just smiled and said I didn’t remember putting them there.
Lunch was going well. We were talking and even laughed a few times. But, then Nicholas brought up the fact that he would indeed be going to Egypt soon. He was concerned about me and though I tried to assure that I’d be fine. He didn’t seem a bit convinced and frankly neither was I.
However I made up my mind to go back to work next week as my time way was growing to long. Which by the look on his face he was pleased to here. Maybe just maybe I was pulling out of this fog of doom and despire.
After lunch we went for a walk in the park. We talked occasionally but for the most part just enjoyed being out and enjoying each other’s company.
It was around eleven o’clock when I got in that night. I had been at one of a few clubs I could be found in these days and decided to go home early. I threw my jacket over the chair, my keys on the stand and lie down on the coach. I clicked the TV. On to watch the news but found myself drifting off to sleep and soon I found myself someplace I hadn’t been since before Sara’s death.
I felt so at ease there. Everyone smiling and enjoying themselves. Children running about playing and there he was looking at me from a distance.
Driaocht! He was standing with his left arm stretched out holding himself up under a tree. Ferns at his feet covering them as if he was floating there.
HHow did I know this man? How did I know his name? Why was he waiting for me? All these questions running around in my mind and yet I felt as if I knew the answers and wanted to go to him.
Suddenly I became aware of myself asleep, dreaming this place, these people. I wasn’t afraid it wasn’t a nightmare but yet a place that felt very real, very familiar and I had no desire to leave.
I wanted to be here amongst them. I felt safe and somehow so aware of whom I was. Like I belonged there. I stood looking at Driaocht for what seems like minutes but in fact it was hours.
As if time had stood still. I heard a ringing and was awaken by the phone.
It was Jamie Peterson from the office. I was an hour late.
I rushed up stairs, took a quick shower, dressed and grabbed my bag. I ran down stairs grabbed my keys off the table and headed off to work. I stopped to pick up a bagel and coffee then headed on my way.
It was as if the day was going quickly by. I had my meeting with my boss. It was obvious he was wondering if I came back to work unfocused after Sara’s death. Jamie handed me the reports and we quickly went into the conference room for a meeting. Lunch came and went. Soon I found myself typing away on my laptop when my boss stepped inside the door and said,” Go home! Pick up again tomorrow. By the way, good job today at the meeting.” He smiled, and then waved a quick get out of here and left.
I leaned back into my chair still in thought on my work and decided to keep going. It was 7 o’clock before I finally finished my article.
The office was empty except for a few of us who were trying to finish up. I said my good nights as I headed to the door and decided to stop at Mahoney’s Restaurant.
As I walked into Mahoney’s I suddenly realized it was going to be different tonight. I’d be eating alone. The Restaurant was filled and Nicholas was busy working, he hadn’t seen me come in.
I was well seated at my table with a menu in hand before Nicholas saw I was there. He walked over and said, “The usual?” I looked up from my menu and said,” Not tonight, give me a minute.” Nicholas said all right and headed to another table where a couple was waiting for him to take their orders.
It was strange sitting there without Sara; I pulled out my laptop and started checking my emails when Nicholas came over. He kissed me on the cheek and closed my laptop as he sat down. His shift just ended and he didn’t want me working while I was eating. He placed an order as well and we finished up dinner with some casual conversation.
We said good night as he walked me to my car. I open my door and turned to say good night one last time. He took my hands in his, gave me a kiss on the cheek again and said,” I’m glad you stopped in tonight. I hope we can do it again.”
I smiled and said of course but we both knew he’d be going away soon and I’d be eating alone. I climbed into the car and went to shut the door when I opened it again. Nicholas was headed to his car when I called out. “Nicholas, tell me again why you don’t have a girlfriend?” He turned around and yet kept walking. “I wouldn’t make a very good long term companion.” he said as he shrugged his shoulder’s in an I don’t know way.
TThen smiled and said, “I’ve already got a girlfriend.” His answer puzzled me, “Who?” I asked. “Why you of course!” he said jokingly.
Then he turned as he reached his car and climbed in.
It was a little after ten o’clock when I arrived home. I didn’t bother to turn on the lights. I walked in locking the door behind me. Put my bag down on the table. Walk toward the kitchen and hung my keys as I passed. I quickly grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and headed upstairs.
I sat the water bottle down on the stand next to my bed. Took off my shoes and found my way into the bathroom turning on the light. It was a full moon tonight and the light shined into my bedroom leaving me no chance of stumbling around things.
After changing, brushing my teeth and combing out my hair. I headed straight for bed. I settled in knowing exactly where I’d drift off too. The very place I couldn’t get out of my mind, the very person I wanted to see, Driaocht. I needed to find out who he was and how I knew him.
I walked out of darkness into a new surrounding. Fog lingered at my feet. As I stepped closer to the land stretched out before me. It was as if I was stepping out of my world and into this one.
I could now feel the grass underneath my feet. A wooded area now stood behind me where there was just moments ago nothing but fog. The flat grassland surrounded a beautiful lake. Though it was all so beautiful it all seemed strange. I felt different about this place then if I did in the village.
I looked around. There were no people, no animals. I started to walk toward the lake. As I
grew closer and closer a feeling come over me. A feeling of warning, a feeling I shouldn’t be there. This all seemed wrong. Why had my dream begun here and not at the village.
The sun light made the lake shine so beautiful and yet as I neared the edge of the lake…
“What are you doing?” a voiced called out calmly but firmly. I turned to see Driaocht getting down off his horse. He started to walk toward me and asked again, “What are you doing?”
I was a bit puzzled by his question; he seemed concerned as to my being there. Just as I was about to answer. He took my hand and started to lead me back to his horse. “We have to go.”, he said as he picked me up and placed me on the horse. Just then you could hear thunder approaching from the west. Clouds started to roll in and the sun soon faded.
The storm was approaching quickly; we could see rain starting to fall on the far side of the lake. Driaocht quickly climbed upon the horse. His arms wrapped around me to grab the reins [why do people tell you to look in a dictionary if you don't know how to spell something, correct me if I spelt it wrong. I couldn't find the spelling]
and we quickly turned and headed down the pathway.
As we started to go faster thunder sounded again. I looked back to see the lakeside covered now by pouring rain. I held on tightly to Driaocht as he pushes the horse on. I turned back to look at the storm. It was like a wall of rain falling beside us. Moving closer and closer.
We turned off the pathway and were now racing through the forest. The storm came out of know where. Trees were falling, branches and leafs blowing about. The wind was so strong and the storm was so close. I had no idea where we were going but thought we had no chance of making it to our destination.
As we reached the edge of the forest I could see something in the distance. We raced across the hillside. “We’re not going to make it”, I said sure that the storm would be upon us in just moments. I buried my head into Driaochts chest. I could hear the horse now running across the bridge I had seen in the distance and the rain hitting hard behind us on the bridge.
Then suddenly the horse began to slow down. I could hear the storm above us and as I looked up was amazed by what I had seen. I loosened my grip on Driaocht knowing we were now safe. But how was that possible. The horse stopped and Driaocht climbed down. I was still looking around in amazement when I felt Driaocht grab hold of my waist and pull me down off the horse behind him.
A man came and took the horse. I held onto Driaochts hand as he started to lead me toward a castle. A great stone wall stood surrounding us and the rain was beating down against it. But not upon us. “How is this possible I asked”? Not really looking for an answer but just speaking out loud.
I wasn’t paying attention that so many people were looking at us as we walked toward the castle doors. I was listening to the storm hitting all around us and then suddenly I saw them. All the people inside the stone wall looking at us. I moved closer to Driaocht and whispered” Why are they looking at us?” Driaocht put his arm around me to ensure me that I was safe and said.” They haven’t seen you in many many years.”
We walked through the doorway. I heard the door close. Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairway. Just as I opened my eyes. Nicholas opened my bedroom door and said, “Sleeping the day away are we?” He walked over with a bag in his hand and coffees. He sat down on the bed and said,” You promised to help me today. Did you forget?”
“No, I didn’t forget. I just haven’t been..”, she hesitated and then sat up in bed. She looked at Nicholas and asked, “Have you ever had a dream that seemed real? I mean as real as this?” She pointed to them sitting there on the bed and everything around them.
Nicholas sat the bag down on the stand next to the bed. He then grabbed the coffee handing one to Autumn and keeping one for himself. ” I have had a few dreams that seemed real but I wouldn’t say as real as this. A smell, a sound, a place all real but I think we all know we’re still dreaming on some level, don’t you?”, he said as he took and raised his cup to his month for a drink.
SHe tried to dismiss the feeling she was feeling.
It felt real, her arms tightly around Driaocht, the horse, the rain all just as real as the way he was looking at her now, concerned. “Forget it, it was just a dream, I know I was dreaming, it felt so real.” She said as she jumped out of bed and handed Nicholas her coffee. ” I’ll meet you down stairs just give me a minute to shower and find some clothes.” Nicholas stood up grabbing the bag of bagels of the stand and headed for the door with everything in hand. He turned around with a grin after drinking once more from his cup of coffee and said,” What your wearing is good enough for me!” She shut the door in his face and headed for the shower.
They had spent the day together getting everything around that Nicholas would soon need for his travels. When it was time to eat they order take out and ended the day on the coach. They were finishing up the pizza with light conversation lying back on the coach with their feet up. Soon, Autumn was a sleep leaning against Nicholas. He put his arm around her and turned off the lamp beside the coach and settled in for the night. He brushed his hand across her hair pulling it gentle back from her face. She turns toward him on the coach laying her head on his chest, putting her arm around him. He grinned once again and closed his eyes falling off to sleep with her in his arms.
The next morning when he woke to find her gone. A bit of disappointment was written across his face.
He realized a part of him wanted to wake up with her in his arms. He liked the fact that they had grown closer since Sara’s death and he had been going over it in his mind for some time now the thought that something might be there between them.
Nicholas however was not a longer-term member of the relationship club. He enjoyed traveling and going on several dates with not the same woman.
He knew he enjoyed meeting someone new, and having pleasant conversation over dinner. If the night didn’t end there he was fine with that but he was never one for a long-term relationship.
Some how Sara’s death had drawn him closer to Autumn. He enjoyed her company and wanted to make her smile, he wanted to see her happy again. Though a friend could do all that. He wanted to do more. He knew that now when he held her in his arms last night.
This trip was happening at the wrong time in his life a moment when he wanted to change and knew he had only one chance to win her heart. It would take ease and careful thought for relationships never went well for Autumn as he had heard the stories many a times at the Restaurant. Autumn was not eager to fall for the wrong guy again.
NOTE: MORE TO COME SOON……………………
